At Home without Riley

       The nurse rolled me down to the lobby as Matt went ahead to get the car. I sat in my wheel chair and watched  as other families left with their new babies. It was horribly painful to see others so happy.  I felt like my heart was being squeezed by a cold hand. Postpartum depression is one thing,but I felt like I had more of a post traumatic stress syndrome.  Anything that made me think of Riley would have me crying my eyes out in seconds.  It was the hardest, most painful experience of my life.
       I lay in bed at home - sobbing constantly.  I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was embarrassed at the state I was in, but phone calls kept coming. Well wishers and people just wanting to know how I was doing all bothered me.  It was hard to talk in the first place, but luckily, Matt took most of the calls for me.  I was happy to have him nearby even though I'm sure my constant sobbing was hard for him to deal with.
      Matt wanted me to rest and recover from my cesarean, but I wanted to be back with Riley.  I wasn't allowed to drive yet, and Matt was in school. I felt like I was trapped.  I had dreams - dreams that things were turning bad for Riley, while I was away.  But when the world felt the darkest for me Matt's Aunt called and said they were heading up to Little Rock and they would give me a ride.  I was extremely happy.  That trip to see Riley ended my days of endless crying and gave me hope.
      Riley was doing great. Thriving on his own, a born fighter.  He got moved into the next step down unit, the last step before he was released home. 

The next few days

       The next few days, I stayed at the hospital as they continued to lower my blood pressure. Matt came and stayed as much as he could, but he had classes and work to attend to, so I understood why he couldn't stay.  The nurses came in constantly to check my vitals, so I was still not able to get good rest.  But I was free to go see Riley whenever I wanted. Day or Night. That made everything better.
       I asked the nurses to take my morphine IV out after about 24 hours of having it. Moving the IV was just too cumbersome when I went to see Riley. His little cubical was full with enough stuff without me dragging an IV with both me and my wheelchair.  I could manage the pain if I was able to see my sweet boy.  I did learn that I'm definitely allergic to that clear tape in the hospital - it blistered my skin. Won't let that happen again.
       Without the IV, it was easier to hold him. I'd hold him for as long as the doctors would let me. I still felt guilty about him being so small, but every day he was gaining weight - so I would cheer him on ounce by ounce. I would try to support him every way I could. If I couldn't hold him in my arms, I would hold his tiny hand and read to him.  
       About the forth day, after Riley was born, my milk came in. I'm glad it wasn't any sooner considering all the drugs they were putting in me - especially that magnesium. I was glad to get that out of my system.  Anyway, the lactation nurse was supposed to come that morning, but  it was late afternoon before she came to see me. She showed me how to use the pump,and tugged on my boob with shaking hands. Her hands were shaking so much they made me nervous.
      I brought the miniscule amount of milk that I produced down to Riley right away.  It was hardly anything, really, but it was enough. I held him as he was being fed through a tube in his nose.  I felt that I was finally able to nourish him.  I felt very thankful.
      Over they next couple days, I continued to pump for Riley. I had a couple of  random people just walk in on me when I was pumping, which made for some awkward situations - especially when it was a minister from Matt's parents church that walked in when I had my boobs out.  After that, I made sure the nurses knew when I was pumping.
       Riley was doing very well.  None of the nurses were worried about him. He was thriving.  It was harder to tell that he was thriving for me.  He was still so small and would only gain an ounce or two everyday.  He was always on my mind. He was just so small.  But looking at the other pre-miees that were born around the same stage, he was much bigger.  I tried to take that to heart.
     The Doctor came by on Saturday and told me that I was well enough to go home and they would process me out on Sunday morning.  I had mixed feelings about this, but I missed my bed at home.  Spending a month on hospital beds was long enough.

I get to see Riley

   It's 2am - I wake to a door opening as a nurse walks in to get something.  She leaves without shutting the door, leaving a very bright light shining in my face.  Tired and irritated, I wait for a bit, thinking that someone might shut the door.  My back itches - without thinking, I scratch, accidentally pulling the epidural half way out of my spine. I look for the remote that calls the nurse which is by Matt.  I try to reach it without waking him, but I manage to just knock it a bit further away.  I try to call Matt's name, but my throat is raw - another side effect of my hell by the drip. I leave it be and fall asleep. A nurse will be in soon to take my vitals anyway.
   I wake up at about 5am, the bed a bit damp. "Was I sweating again? Why am I so itchy?" I'm uncomfortable. The door is still wide open. Uggh. Nights in hospitals suck.
  About 10am the drip is empty.  I quietly rejoice inside. I am free. I go to Riley right as soon as it is removed. Matt wheels me down to the NICU.  I am not adequately prepared to see my baby with all the tubes, monitors, and eye coverings, his thin body with a sunken breast bone - his tiny buns looking like deflated balloons. His slender fingers tipped with incredibly tiny fingernails.
   I Loved Him. I wanted to hold him, but had to ask permission to even touch him. I was told he was doing great and I could hold him in the afternoon.

   Matt rolled me back to the room. I took my first shower since before I had Riley. It felt good, and I washed the days of sweat off along with a lot of tension and worry. After finally seeing Riley, the only thing that would have been better would have been being able to stand - but my scar still hurt. So I sat. Even so, I felt renewed after that shower. Then I was moved to a new room.
   I settled into the new room just in time for two of my friends to visit. Matt went to visit with his friend Jon, who was also in the hospital.  Ashley and Teresa brought me some necessities after being in a bed so long and braided my hair. We then went down to the NICU to visit Riley. I got to hold him for the first time. He was so small - I was scared I might break him. He was placed in my arms and it was magic.

  Riley was doing so well they moved him to the first step down unit what night. He was two days old.

  

Day After Riley was Born

      Muscle spasms in my abdomen woke me up in the middle of the night. My first thought was Riley was kicking again. I put my had on my tummy, it was flat. I remembered the c-section. It wasn't a dream. Riley was in the world.
      The nurse came in to clean the blood off me. It was very weird being washed by a stranger, but it felt good to be clean.  I asked when I could see my son. I was told I couldn't even stand until the magnesium drip was empty. That drip was now hell for a whole new reason. My hospital bed was really squeaky. Even slight movement would cause the bed to squeak wildly, and woke me several times at night. Each time I'd wake I would think of my son and cry. I was utterly depressed. I felt guilty for having him so early. I felt that I had already failed as a mother by requiring him to be born so soon so I could get better. 
   The feeling of  love for my son mixed with the feelings of depression, guilt, jealousy and the numbness of my body didn't help anything. My time in that bed was the most emotionally grueling experience of my life. I didn't want anyone to visit me. I didn't want want to be seen like that. I was sending all my energy to just trying to hold it together and I didn't want to cry in front of Matt. I did anyway, of course. I felt cheated because I couldn't see my son - hold him, room with him, feed him. I needed my bonding time. It was unnatural to not be able to touch and hold Riley when every fiber of my being - mind, body, soul - was aching to do so.
      I missed my family.  I had hoped that someone from my family would be at the birth of Riley, but, because of my sudden early c-section, I felt robbed of that experience. 
      The only way to see him was through pictures other people took.  I was grateful to get to see him, but I was also jealous and depressed that others got to see him and I couldn't.  It was unfair and made me want to see people even less. Just seeing pictures of him made me feel guilty also. All those wires, tubes, and machines around him, the bright light shining on him bothered me. He should have still been in my womb still - instead, he was in an isolette. Even the word isolette made me sad, as if I had left my son alone.
       It seemed like I was so alone.

That is pretty much how that long terrible time went.

Lets Start a bit before Riley's birth

    I was diagnosed with preclampsia early in my pregnancy and had hoped it wouldn't be a big issue. Throughout the pregnancy I had felt pretty good besides the nausea and hot flashes the only other issue I had was being tired.  From the first trimester I didn't want to get out of bed, to the last trimester with Riley's night rollabouts and my heartburn I just couldn't get enough sleep.

    I was hospitalized on the 28th of September due to my high blood pressure.  I thought this will be good because I need the bed rest. Little did I know, you might be in a hospital bed all day but you can't actually get any rest in a hospital. They would come in to check on my vitals as well as Riley's. Riley always looked good, a nice sounding heartbeat and lots of movement.  I was getting worse by the day but never felt bad at all. I really wanted to make it to 38 weeks or at the very least 34 weeks, that was the goal I had set myself.

  On October 11th I was moved from the local hospital to Baptist Heath in Little Rock by ambulance. It was my first time ever to be in an ambulance, it was a strange feeling, to be strapped down to a gurney. I think we got there around 3. The room they put me in was a lot nicer then the one in Arkadelphia.  I thought okay, I should be able to rest here a lot easier. So I lay in my new bed and waited for my new Doctor. He came about 6pm, he looked at my vitals and at Riley's. Then the whirlwind started. 

    He decided it was best to do a emergency c-section. The prepping started right away.  Papers were signed, phone calls made, gowns put on and my bed was rolled down the hall into the operating room all in the space of 15 minutes.  The epidural wasn't to bad to get, kinda like a couple sharp pinches in the spine and and then the numbness started. The numbness traveled down my legs and up my torso. I didn't feel the catheter go in.  I couldn't move my lower body at all it was like being paralyzed. I felt pressure as I was cut open but no pain. Pressure as the pushed on my abdomen and pulled Riley out at exactly 7pm. "It's my boy" I heard Matt say. There was silence for a moment as the doctor was sewing me up and the nurses were working with Riley and then I heard Riley's little cry. It was so cute, to hear him for the first time just filled me with happiness. He was okay, they held him over the curtain so I could see him for only like 5 seconds. ....my first thought seeing him still squished in the fetal position "he looks like a frog", then before I could even focus on his face he was gone.  They rolled him out of the room and I didn't get to see him again for a while.  I started shivering uncontrollably. The finished stapling me shut and the moved me to another bed and rolled me back to my room. I didn't get to leave that bed for three days.

   The shivering got worse when I was back in my hospital room, my teeth were chattering. I was told it was a normal reaction. My body was still numb and I couldn't move. I asked Matt to move my leg. If I hadn't seen him move it I wouldn't have believed he touched me. I felt nothing as he lifted my leg and moved it to the side a bit. I remember thinking 'what if I don't get feeling back? what if I stay paralyzed?' Freaked me out a bit. Matt and his parents went to see Riley. Then the nurse put me on the magnesium drip. I was attached to that hell for three days. It made my blood run hot, every inch of my body started sweating, my heart beat fast, and I couldn't focus my eyes. Going to sleep that night was hard.